What Access am I Willing to Give That Behaviour?

Something happened recently that reminded me of something I coach leaders on all the time: Setting a boundary doesn’t mean you don’t care.

Sometimes it means you’ve decided how you are willing to participate in a relationship or situation.

We often think about boundaries as: “Stop doing that.”

But we have very little control over what another person does.

A more useful question is: What access am I willing to give that behaviour?

That might mean:
• Less time
• Less information
• Fewer explanations
• No triangulation
• A different way of communicating
• Ending a circular conversation
• Saying “I can’t take that on” without defending the decision

And one of the hardest lessons?

You don't have to convince someone to agree with your boundary for it to be valid.

In fact, the more you explain, argue, defend and justify, the more opportunity there can be for the conversation to become another negotiation.

Sometimes the healthiest response is simply: “I understand you see it differently. This is what I’m able to do.”

⭐ That isn't punishment,
⭐ It isn't a lack of empathy, and
⭐ It isn't giving up on a relationship.

It's managing access.

I've spent years coaching leaders through difficult workplace dynamics. Increasingly, I think the same principle applies far beyond work.

💡 We can lead with humanity without abandoning ourselves in the process.
💡 Boundaries aren't about controlling other people.
💡 They're about being clear about what we will, and won’t, participate in.

🎨 art by @miinjy.ami on Instagram